Chapter 76
“I did what I had to,” I shoot back. “Don’t romanticize it p>
He turns abruptly, reaching into his jacket, and flings a thick folder at me.
Paper scatter across the floor.
I flinch out of instinct. The reports scatter around my feet with my name printed everywhere. Dates, numbers.
I bend and snatch one up, my hands shaking.
“You went digging through my life,” I say. My voice cracking now, and I don’t care. “Through my health status. Through things I haven’t even told my brothers p>
“You looked sick,” he says. “You still do p>
He continues. “You think I didn’t notice?” he continues. “The dizziness. The way you stop walking like the ground moved under you. The weight loss you hide under clothes. The way you barely eat then stay up all night vomiting your guts out”
I look away.
“Then you waking up one day and deciding to go to the hospital,” he says. “That was enough for me to go digging p>
I laugh again, but this time it hurts. “You stalked me p>
“I protected my investment p>
I step closer. “I’m not a freakinf thing you can own Zane p>
“You’re my wife p>
“That doesn’t give you ownership of my life!” I shout.
The words echo and my chest heaves. I feel lightheaded, with white spots dancing at the edges of my vision. I grab the chair behind me before I fall.
He notices Of course he fucking does.
“Sit down,” he orders.
“No. I am fine p>
“You’re going to pass out El p>
“Then let me.” I’m so pissed I don’t notice he called me El, which is the first time he has.
He doesn’t move, but his hands flex like he’s holding himself back.
“You should have told me,” he says finally.
“I don’t owe you the truth, I do not owe you anything.” I say. “Not about Not about my health. This marriage is paperwork and signatures. Nothing else, so don’t make it more p>
“You married me knowing you were dying p>
“Yes I did p>
“Yet you let me bind myself to a fucking corpse p>
I slap him on his cheek. Hard.
The sound cracks through the room. My hand stings instantly but it it was totally worth it.
“Don’t you ever call me that, you fucking bastard!.” I practically shout
Zane doesn’t say another word, he just turns and walks out.
The front door slams hard enough that the walls shudder. I hear his footsteps fade down the hall. After that, nothing p>
I stand there for a few seconds, still holding the hospital papers to my chest, my hand stinging slightly where I hit him. My legs feel weak and jelly like.
Then it hits me It starts small, a tight pull behind my eyes, my throat burning like I swallowed something sharp. I try to breathe through it, to swallow it down. I’ve done that before. I’m good at it, it’s what I do best.
But this time, I can’t.
My knees give out and I sink onto the edge of the chair. The first sob tears out of me, ugly and loud, I fold forward, pressing my face into my hands, the papers crumpling between my fingers.
I cry so hard my chest shakes, my breaths hitch, and I don’t bother stopping the sounds that come out of me. Everything I’ve been holding in for months spills out all at once. The fear, anger and humiliation. The exhaustion of pretending I’m fine when my body keeps betraying me.
I don’t know how long it’s been when I feel a hand, warm and hesitant, rubbing slow circles between my shoulder blades.
I flinch at first, my body already braced for another confrontation. Then I look up.
Tessa is crouched beside me, her brows pulled together, eyes glassy. June stands a little behind her, one hand pressed to her mouth like she’s trying not to cry. Lila is on my other side, close enough that our arms touch.
All three of them are looking at me like they already know.
And my stomach drops.
“Why are you crying?,”. My voice sounds wrecked.
Tessa swallows. “Margaret told us you weren’t feeling well. Then… we heard shouting p>
June sniffles. “We didn’t mean to listen. We just She stops, shaking her head. “We’re sorry p>
They know.
The secret I worked so hard to keep folded neatly inside myself is out.
Something inside me breaks completely.
I cry harder, my hands flying up to cover my face as my shoulders shake. The sound that comes out of me is raw, almost animal.
Someone pulls me forward into a hug. I don’t even register who at first. I just know there are arms around me.
Lila’s voice is close to my ear. “Hey. Hey. You don’t have to hold it in. We’ve got you p>
Tessa’s hand keeps moving on my back, steady and grounding. “You’re not alone. El p>
June kneels down too, pressing her forehead lightly against my shoulder. “You’re allowed to be scared,” she whispers. “Anyone would be p>
I shake my head, words tumbling out between sobs. “I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want to be looked at like I’m some baggage people have to deal with or be treated differently because I’m sick and dying p>
“You aren’t dying El,” Tessa says immediately. “You’re right here p>
I cling to whoever’s holding me, my fingers curling into their clothe. My chest hurts from crying and my head throbs. There’s a familiar wave of dizziness rolling through me, but I ignore it. Some days it feels like I’m getting better, other days it feels like it’s gotten so much worse.
“I’m so tired,” I whisper. “I’m so tired of being strong p>
Lila squeezes me tighter. “Then don’t be, not with us p>
No one tells me to calm down, they just stay with me. Hands rubbing my back gently and arms wrapped tight around my body.
We stay like that for a long time.
Long enough for my breathing to slow and for the crying to turn into quiet hiccups.