Chapter 154
154
Ireturned to work after a month was up.
I still felt a little shaky, but I resolved to put Lars behind me and get on with my life.
Wherever he was, whatever had happened to him, he had lied to me –
And if he’d betrayed the UK and NATO, then he’d used me as well.
Fuck him.
I threw myself back into my work. Within no time at all, I was back to doing what I did best: risking my life for Queen and Country.
But then, it was easy to go on death-defying missions when you had no life to come back to.
Not one you cared about, anyway.
The one huge change was that Alistair and I struck up a friendship. It was the only thing besides my career that meant anything to me.
I didn’t even attempt to date for two years after Lars left me. I didn’t have sex – nothing. I felt like a nun, shut away in a deserted abbey of my own making.
I was still so angry at him… and so hurt… that it was difficult to move on.
Alistair helped me move on.
Whenever I was in town, we dined together at least once a week.
He made me smile. I never laughed like I had with Lars… but it was something.
Alistair was always kind…
And more than that, he was always there.
Despite the amount of time we spent together, Alistair never made a move on me –
Until New Year’s Eve.
He’d just been promoted to Director of Global Operations. Because of his new position, he’d been invited to a hoity-toity New Year’s Eve party – and he asked me to go with him.
“Please,” he begged me. “It’s going to be aristocrats and government types. I have to go – but it will be dreadfully boring without you p>
He’d already given me so much that I felt obligated to say yes. So I agreed.
He picked me up in a chauffeured limousine. When he came to the door, he was rather dashing in his tailored tuxedo.
“You… look astounding,” he said, his eyes wide.
Maybe it was stupid, but the way he stared at me…
I felt desirable for the first time in a long while. And it felt good.
The limousine was provided by MI6, he explained as he helped me into the back. “Can’t have the Director of Global Operations driving drunk and getting arrested p>
The party was at Buckingham Palace, of all places. I felt like a fairytale princess as we walked in, arm in arm.
Even more impressive were the people who came up to congratulate him: lords and ladies, members of parliament – people who were in the news every week. The head of MI6 even introduced us to the Prime Minister.
I was used to people’s eyes being on me because of my appearance – but here, it was Alistair who was the big draw. He was the one whom everybody circled like moths to a flame.
Everyone treated him with such respect that it made me see him in a different light.
When it finally reached midnight, I was on my fourth glass of champagne. I was buzzed and happy – feeling better than I had in months. Maybe years.
The crowd chanted the countdown: three… two… one! Happy New Year!
Alistair and I smiled at each other awkwardly, knowing what was expected –
And so when he reached in to kiss me, I went with it.
His lips stayed on mine longer than necessary…
And I found I didn’t mind.
When he pulled back, he looked deeply into my eyes. “Rachel… you know I would always be here for you, don’t you? I would never leave you p>
Between the alcohol, the palace, all the famous people, and walking around on the arm of one of the most respected men in the room… the evening’s magic had worked its way past my usual defenses.
“I know,” I said quietly… and let him kiss me again.
It wasn’t passionate. It wasn’t hot. It wasn’t like kissing Lars.
But after two years alone…
It was nice.
And that was something.
When the limousine drove me home around 1 AM, I knew he wanted to come in.
“Should I…?” he asked, leaving the rest unspoken.
“I can’t,” I said as gently as I could. “Not yet p>
“It’s fine,” he said with a smile. “I’m a patient man p>
I let him kiss me again, and then I pulled away. “Good night p>
“Good night p>
When I went to bed, though, I didn’t think about how we’d kissed at midnight.
Instead, I grieved that it hadn’t been with Lars.
But I’m moving on, I reminded myself. I’m moving on.
I made a New Year’s Resolution that I would do just that: move on with my life.
And if Alistair was part of that… so be it.
You know I would always be here for you, don’t you? I would never leave you.
I fell asleep with his voice whispering in my ear.
After having my heart torn out and destroyed, his words felt safe and comforting…
And safe and comforting were enough.
Our weekly dinners became two and three nights a week, and we usually kissed on the couch afterwards.
It took me another month before I went to bed with him.
It was… nice.
It wasn’t anything like the passion and mind-blowing sex I’d had with Lars –
But I forced myself to not compare the two of them. It wasn’t fair.
Nobody could compare to Lars… and now that he was gone, I would only be miserable if I tried to recapture that feeling with someone else.
Being with Alistair was nice, safe, and comfortable.
And I convinced myself that was enough.
I never fell in love with him.
I grew to love him, though. To care about him deeply.
He was kind, attentive, and generous. He treated me like a princess and showered me with gifts.
Plus, since we both worked at MI6, we had a lot in common. He would tell me all sorts of things I knew I shouldn’t be privy to – and it was intoxicating to be close to that much power. I mean, he was on the phone with the Prime Minister every week. The numbers of the most powerful people in government were programmed into his phone.
We became a sort of power couple within MI6. The Director of Operations and the dashing female field agent. The Boss and the Badass.
I won’t lie: the power and status were seductive. I definitely enjoyed it.
Our only disagreements were about my missions. He hated that I was perpetually in danger and pleaded with me to take an administrative position within MI6.
“You can have anything you want,” he said. “Your record is sterling, and with my influence behind you, you could rise in the ranks faster than – ”
“I’m not like you,” I interrupted. “I wouldn’t survive behind a desk. I need the thrill. I need the danger p>
A mean little voice whispered, God knows I’m not getting it with YOU.
But I shut that voice up and buried it in a box so deep that I couldn’t hear it anymore.
I kept going on missions… and Alistair kept sullenly accepting it.
He proposed on a trip to Paris.
I was expecting it. One doesn’t go to Paris and stay in a 1000-euro-a-night hotel suite for a regular old vacation.
When he said he had something special planned for Friday evening, I nodded and smiled.
Then, when I went into the bathroom, I opened my phone and looked at old pictures of Lars.
I’d never allowed him to take pictures of me because of my job, but I’d cajoled him into letting me take a few snapshots of him.
In some, he was grumpy. I grinned as I remembered how he had complained about the double standard.
But in others, he was smiling… and in all of them, he was dashing, and gorgeous…
And the love of my life.
My heart ached when I saw him.
I usually didn’t look at the photos. Not unless I’d had a particularly bad fight with Alistair and gotten drunk afterwards. I knew it didn’t do any good to go and revisit the past.
But after three and a half years of waiting, I had made my peace: either Lars was dead, or he was never coming back.
Either way, it was time to move on for good.
My finger hovered over the screen for almost 30 seconds…
And then I deleted the pictures, one by one.
Each one was like a needle stabbed into my heart.
When it was over, I felt sad… but I also felt free.
Free to move on.
Free to start a completely new life.
Alistair hadn’t been kidding when he said he had something special planned.
After a late dinner at a three-star Michelin restaurant, we took a limousine to the Eiffel Tower.
He escorted me past several guards to the express elevator…
And we went all the way to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Which was completely deserted.
As we’d entered the grounds, I’d seen signs that said tourists were allowed until 12:45 AM –
Which meant Alistair had pulled some sort of ungodly strings with his counterparts in the French government.
All around us, the lights of Paris glowed like a dream.
“Alistair – what did you do?” I gasped.
He grinned. “I did everything possible to make this moment as special as possible p>
He pulled out a small box and opened it to reveal a ring with an absolutely massive diamond.
“Rachel… would you do me the honor of becoming my wife p>
The moment I had been expecting had come.
I had prepared for it… and I’d already made my decision.
I’m going to move on.
“Yes,” I said, and kissed him after he slipped the ring on my finger.
To my surprise, I was actually happy.
Not nearly as ecstatically happy as I’d been in the past with another man…
But happy enough.
And that was good enough.