Chapter 123
123
Adriano returned about ten minutes later. He was as stony-faced as when he’d gone in.
“Go on in,” he said to Valentino. He clapped his baby brother affectionately on the shoulder. “He asked for you next p>
After Valentino walked out with the guard, Adriano approached me and Massimo.
“Well?” Massimo asked.
“Not fuckin’ good, man,” Adriano said wearily. “Not fuckin’ good p>
“What do you mean p>
“He’s takin’ it real hard. I’ve never seen him so low p>
“…shit,” Massimo muttered.
“Yeah p>
“Did he say anything about being don?” Massimo whispered.
“No, his head’s not in the game yet. All he can talk about is how he didn’t get to say goodbye. He knew I found Papa first, so that’s all he asked about – what happened, what it was like.” Adriano rubbed his hand roughly over the lower half of his face. “I mean… as fuckin’ bad as it was finding Papa… at least I got to look him in his eyes, you know? I sort of got to say my goodbyes, even if it was just being there with him. But Dario p>
Adriano trailed off as he stared into the distance.
Massimo put one hand on his brother’s shoulder as though to comfort him, and we stood there in silence.
When Valentino came out, his eyes were red and raw. It looked like he was doing his best to hold back tears.
“Fuck. That was fuckin’ awful,” he muttered as he came over to us.
Massimo patted Valentino’s back reassuringly, then walked off with the guard.
“You okay?” Adriano asked Valentino.
The younger man shrugged. “No. I don’t know. He looks lost, Adriano p>
“…I know,” Adriano murmured. “I know p>
We stood there in silence until Massimo came out. His expression wasn’t as outwardly emotional as Valentino’s, but his forehead was deeply creased in a frown.
He walked directly over to me. “He wants to see you p>
“He does?” I asked, slightly surprised.
“He specifically asked for you p>
“…okay,” I said, then walked over to the doorway.
As the guard led me down the corridor, the smell hit me. It was the same as my very first day in San Vittore: body odor, sweat, bleach, and stale cigarette smoke, with a hint of urine and shit.
I must have gotten used to it when I’d been imprisoned here because I didn’t remember it smelling this bad. Now that I’d grown accustomed to the fresh air of Tuscany, the stench of San Vittore was like being trapped in a sewer. I could only imagine the effect it must have had on Valentino.
The guard brought me to a room with wooden chairs in front of a long counter. There were eight partitioned areas with thin walls subdividing each spot. A scratched-up plastic barrier shielded this side of the counter from the inmates. The only way to speak to them was with old-school telephone handsets bolted onto the partitioned walls.
Seven of the chairs were filled with young women and old people – the convicts’ mothers and fathers – but the eighth chair was empty.
And on the other side of the plastic wall sat Dario.
He looked like he had aged ten years since I’d seen him last. His hair and beard were still dark as ever, but there were lines in his face that hadn’t been there before.
The playfulness and joy I remembered were gone; in their place was a pain I’d never seen in him, not even during our worst hours in the prison.
I sat down and took the phone off the hook.
He gave me a sad, weary smile as he picked up his end.
“Lars,” he said. His voice sounded wistful, like seeing me conjured up memories of better days.
“Dario,” I said softly. “I’m so sorry p>
He gave me that same sad smile and nodded. “Thank you. I wanted to say it in person that I’m sorry, too… that it didn’t work out with Rachel p>
I stared at him in shock.
He’d lost his father just days before… had been denied the chance to say goodbye while he was stuck inside this hellhole…
And he was telling me that he was sorry for my loss.
It shook me to my core, and my heart broke for him all over again.
In many ways, he was the best friend I’d ever had. He and I had gone through things in San Vittore that Gunnar would never understand.
Gunnar and I had been in combat, which was its own kind of hell. That experience had forged a bond between us that only soldiers could understand.
But at the end of every day, Gunnar and I had gone back to the military base. We hadn’t slept every night amongst the enemy. We hadn’t walked past men every second of every day and wondered when they would try to slit our throats.
In Afghanistan, your enemy skulked in the shadows and carried a gun – but he could be identified by that gun.
In San Vittore, your enemy ate next to you in the cafeteria. He stood next to you in the yard… showered next to you… slept six feet away on the other side of a wall.
Or maybe he wasn’t your enemy at all. Maybe he was just another prisoner trying to make the best of a bad situation.
You could never know for sure…
Until his shiv was buried in your guts.
San Vittore was its own special type of hell. Only Dario and I knew what it was to have each other’s back in a place like this.
“That’s over and done with,” I said, talking about Rachel. It was a lie, and I was sure Dario knew it, but he didn’t call me out on it. “But thank you. I can’t even believe you’d think of that so soon after p>
I trailed off.
I couldn’t bear to say it:
So soon after your father died.
Dario gave me that sad smile again. “Losing someone you love dearly, no matter the circumstances, is the worst pain imaginable. I just lost mine a little more recently, is all p>
I had to get away from this topic. The feeling of being back in San Vittore, and knowing how Rachel had slipped away while I was trapped here, was too much to bear.
“How are you holding up?” I asked. “In prison, I mean. The day-to-day shit p>
He gave a sigh of despair. “Not well.” Then he followed it with a short, bitter laugh. “Not that I could tell my brothers that p>
I nodded. He could tell me these things because he knew I would understand them – because I’d lived them. He didn’t have to protect me from the horrors of his daily life like he did with his brothers.
“Are you in any danger p>
“No… my other friends are keeping the assholes off my back out of respect for my father. For the moment, anyway p>
I knew that ‘other friends’ was code for other members of the Cosa Nostra. They were protecting him from the Camorra and anyone else who would take advantage of his grief.
“Just hang on,” I said. “You won’t believe how good the air smells when you’re free p>
He smiled wanly. “What did it smell like when you walked back inside San Vittore p>
“Like Satan’s ass crack p>
Dario laughed – the first real laugh of our conversation and probably the first he’d had since the news of Leonardo’s death.
When he stopped laughing, he said, “That’s a very apt description. I can’t wait until I never have to smell it again p>
“Just a few more months and you’re out p>
Dario’s eyes drifted into a thousand-yard stare. “Yes… but what kind of world am I going to come back to p>
“One where you’re the head of your family. One where you get the chance to do everything you told me you wanted to do. Remember? All the plans you had, all the changes you wanted to make p>
His eyes met mine. They looked very, very tired. “I didn’t tell my brothers, but… I’m not sure I can do it p>
“Do what p>
“Lead the family p>
“Of course you can. You were raised to do this – you were born to do this. Hell, all your brothers look up to you. I was there when they took the vote – it was unanimous from the very first – ”
“That’s the problem,” Dario said wearily. “They look at me as some kind of hero who’s going to ride in and save the day. But I’m just… me p>
“And that’s enough. You can do this p>
“There’s a big difference between training to take the captain’s chair and actually being responsible for all the lives onboard p>
I nodded. I knew where he was coming from – because I’d felt exactly the same way back in the military.
“When I went through basic training, I drilled and I marched. I learned how to fight and how to shoot a gun… and then I went into Special Forces, where I drilled some more. I learned survival techniques and practiced how to react under pressure. But the first time I was in combat – the first time bullets were flying around me, and I saw one of the guys in my squad get shot in the head five feet away from me – you know what happened p>
Dario frowned. “What p>
“I shit my pants p>
Dario stared at me in shock –
Then burst out laughing.
“Just a little,” I protested, smiling. “But I still shat my pants. I think Americans call it a ‘Hershey’s squirt.’ At least, that’s what I heard in a movie, anyway p>
Dario laughed so hard that tears rolled down his cheeks.
When he finally settled down a bit, I continued. “But what I learned is, all those years of training? They were so I could get through the first few minutes of combat. You don’t really know what battle is like until you’re thrown in the middle of it… but all that training was to help you survive.
“And from that moment forward, you learn faster than you ever did before. You learn more in five minutes in a firefight than you did in five weeks of basic training… because one is just preparing for the thing, and the other IS the thing.
“But the training is crucial, because it gets you through the first five minutes… and that first five minutes gets you through the next five hours… which gets you through the next five days, and weeks, and months.
“I won’t bullshit you: it’s going to be hard. But you’ve trained. You’re prepared. You’re going to get through the first five minutes… and once you get through that, you’ll get through the next five hours… and then the next five days. You’ll be learning on your feet – on-the-job training, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It’ll be hard, but to start with… all you have to do is get through those first five minutes.
“And I know you can do it because I was in here with you. I fought side by side with you. I saw you every day. You not only survived – you thrived. You faced down the killers and the thugs and you always came out on top. So when you walk out of San Vittore a free man, I know you won’t just survive – you’ll thrive. And you’re going to make a hell of a great leader p>
Dario looked at me with misty eyes and a real smile. Not the weary one from before, but one of relief and gratitude – like he was finally seeing the sun after the darkest night imaginable.
He put his palm against the plastic barrier.
I put my palm up on the other side.
“You’re going to be there beside me?” he asked quietly. “Just like you had my back in here p>
“Every fucking step of the way. Count on it p>
He gave me the biggest smile imaginable. “Che Dio ti benedica, amico mio p>
God bless you, my friend.
When I left Dario a few minutes later, I didn’t leave the broken, grieving man I’d seen when I walked in…
But a warrior.
And a mafia don.