Chapter 153
153
Iasked to take a leave of absence for a full month, effective immediately.
Ordinarily, there would have been all sorts of hurdles getting it cleared – but I emailed Alistair and asked him if he could help.
Consider it done, he emailed back.
And lo and behold, it was approved.
That’s what having the Director of Operations on your side could accomplish.
I didn’t do much. Most days, I was too depressed to get out of bed before noon.
When I did get up, I usually started drinking and didn’t stop until I passed out at night.
I cried a lot. I would go for an hour or two not crying, and then suddenly I would think of Lars – or see something that reminded me of him – and burst into tears.
It was hell.
But I got through it.
Three weeks into my self-enforced isolation, Alistair texted me.
No news, but I wanted to check up on you. Get a coffee or tea with me?
I didn’t feel like I could deny him that – not after all he had done for me – so I agreed to meet him the next day.
I had to sober up first.
I dragged myself out of bed, showered for the first time in weeks, and put on some lipstick. That was about all the preparation I could bring myself to do.
I met Alistair at a coffee shop in Vauxhall at 10 AM.
“How are you holding up?” he asked me as we sipped our drinks.
“I can’t believe I got played for a fool p>
I hadn’t meant to say that. The honesty just slipped out.
“It’s not your fault,” he said quietly.
I gave a sharp, bitter laugh. “It was my fault p>
“No,” he said firmly. “He was a bastard, and bastards are good at keeping it hidden p>
As soon as he said it, anger ripped through me. I glared at him like I wanted to kill him.
How DARE you call Lars that!
“I’m sorry,” Alistair said, both apologetic and alarmed by my expression. “I shouldn’t have said that p>
Then I asked myself:
Why am I getting mad at HIM?
He’s RIGHT.
“No… no, I’m sorry,” I murmured. “It’s better if I just accept the truth p>
“Well, it was still out of line for me to say it. I apologize p>
I frowned slightly. “Why did you say he was a bastard? Because he’s working for the Chinese p>
Alistair frowned and stared at me like I was speaking gibberish.
“No, Rachel – because he left you. Because he hurt you. He had something incredibly precious, and he threw it away. He was a bastard and an idiot p>
Tears welled up in my eyes. This time, I didn’t get angry at what he said.
Alistair seemed uncomfortable with how much he’d revealed about how he felt. “Well… I should be getting back. I just wanted to make sure you were alright p>
“…I’m getting better p>
That was closer to the truth than I’m alright.
“Good. Take all the time you need… I’ll make sure you get it.” He smiled sadly. “Take care of yourself, Rachel p>
As he stood up to go, I grabbed his hand. “Alistair p>
He looked down at me in surprise. “Yes p>
“…thank you,” I whispered.
He just smiled and squeezed my hand. “You’re very welcome p>
When he left, I felt the strangest emotion:
A little sad that Alistair had gone.
For a while, his presence had lessened my grief…
And I never forgot it.