Chapter 40
40
Lars
Ididn’t hear from her until late the next day, almost 40 hours later – but I had expected as much.
I had seen her off at 4 AM in Afghanistan. Not only did she have to fly 10 hours back to London, but she would have to brief her superiors at MI6. And hopefully she crashed for a long nap after our night of no sleep.
But eventually, I got an email from a strange Gmail account composed of a random jumble of letters and numbers.
Lars,
I enjoyed our time together.
I hope you’ll understand if I don’t say more than that.
Like I said, if we’re not seeing anyone else in 3 months, email me and we’ll set something up – if you still want to visit.
Rachel
As I read her email, I had a grin so big it hurt my face.
And I didn’t take offense at the vagueness of the message; I figured that her job at MI6 was why she was being so coy.
Hey Rachel,
I WILL want to visit. There’s absolutely no doubt about that.
I truly enjoyed our time together, too. I can’t wait for 3 months to pass.
Is there another way to talk? A phone number or a Zoom call, maybe?
Talk to you soon,
Lars
Over the following week, we emailed back and forth dozens of times.
Unfortunately, the phone call and Zoom were off the table. She didn’t say why, but I assumed it had to do with the secrecy of her job.
The good thing was that she returned my emails within hours of me sending them. There were never any games – she seemed as enthusiastic to hear from me as I was from her.
And then, a week later, I got an email from a totally different, completely random Gmail address.
Lars,
It’s me. I have to change email accounts every so often – just part of my situation. So be on the lookout for new messages from odd email addresses. Come to think of it, I’ll give you a heads-up in future emails when I’ll be switching.
You might not hear from me for a week or so. I have to make a business trip out of town and probably won’t be able to contact you.
I hope you’re doing alright. I think of you all the time.
Rachel
If her ‘business trip’ was anything like her mission to Afghanistan, I was concerned for her safety. I knew she was more than capable of protecting herself and tried not to worry – but I didn’t do a very good job of it.
Rachel,
Thanks for the heads-up on the email addresses. I’ll keep a close watch.
I hope your business trip goes well.
Please travel safely and let me know as soon as you can when you’re back home.
And if you can email me while on the road, I wouldn’t say no to hearing from you.
But if not, don’t worry – ‘there’s no cow on the ice p>
I think of you all the time, too.
Talk to you soon.
Lars
She wrote back almost immediately.
Lars,
I’ll definitely let you know as soon as I’m back home.
Unfortunately, I probably won’t be able to contact you during the trip.
No internet reception where I’m going.
Think of me while I’m gone. I know I’ll be thinking of you.
Rachel
For most people, our emails would have been laughingly mundane. But for me, this was more passionate than I had ever been in my life – at least in writing. Putting my emotions into words wasn’t my strong suit.
Add in the fact that these were our first messages after spending only one night together and that she had to be discreet because of her work –
And what probably seemed tame to others felt incredibly intense and personal to me.
Then, just as I felt we were getting closer…
I didn’t hear from her for two weeks.
The first week wasn’t so bad. She’d said ‘a week or so p>
But then seven days became eight… and then nine…
I got increasingly nervous every time I checked my laptop and didn’t see a message from her.
I’ll admit, worrying about not getting an email was pretty funny coming from a Special Forces operative who had been in over 40 gunfights.
But these were different stakes. I was used to risking my life. I was not used to being this far gone over a woman and not hearing from her.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t worry that she’d simply stopped emailing me… that she’d grown tired of our interactions and ghosted me.
But mostly, I was worried that something had happened to her.
I wrote her a couple times when my worry for her became too intense.
Hey Rachel,
Just checking in. You okay?
Lars
No reply.
I even emailed her previous account as a sort of ‘Hail Mary,’ hoping she would respond.
Finally, on Day 15, I got a reply from a completely new email address.
Lars,
I’m so sorry I couldn’t contact you sooner. I just got back in town 2 hours ago.
My trip was hell… but it’s over, and I’m back home safe.
I thought about you the entire time I was away.
In fact, I repeatedly told myself, ‘I HAVE to get back…Lars is counting on me p>
Maybe it was silly, but it got me through some rough nights.
I hope you’re doing well.
Love,
Rachel
I stared at the screen.
There were so many things packed into that one short email –
But the most important by far was the closing:
‘Love, Rachel p>
I reread her message about a hundred times.
When I typed out my reply, I couldn’t stop grinning.
Rachel,
I’m so glad you’re home safe.
Thank you for letting me know as soon as you could.
I thought about you every hour I was awake.
Probably way more than that, actually.
I’m glad that the thought of me helped you out in trying circumstances…
And you’re right: I AM counting on you.
And I’m counting the days until I get to see you. 68 more to go.
I can’t wait.
Love,
Lars
I paused…
Deleted ‘Love p>
Then retyped it and sent it before I could convince myself to do otherwise.
From that point onwards, she continued to reply with ‘Love, Rachel p>
And I did the same.