Chapter 50
50
Rachel
Ilove you.
Hearing Lars say those words was both thrilling and terrifying.
In fact, I would say those three little words filled me with more fear than most of the brushes with death I’d had in my job.
I’d never said ‘I love you’ to anyone before. Other than my mother –
And my father when I was little.
…before he left.
But it was what Lars said next that broke me.
You don’t have to say anything back. You don’t even have to feel the same way. But I love you, and I wanted you to know. I fell for you that first night in Afghanistan – and I fell even deeper in love with every word you wrote me over the last three months.
My heart swelled and nearly burst with emotions I’d never felt before.
But I could hear my mother screaming, Don’t believe him!
He’s a man and ALL men lie!
They ALL leave in the end!
But Lars was so sweet and earnest that I believed every word he said.
And it awoke something overpowering in me.
Before I knew what I was doing, I whispered back, I love you, too.
And it felt right to say it.
It felt like I was finally acknowledging what had been building inside me over the last three months, ever since our first night together in Afghanistan – and what had been building inside me even more since he’d arrived in London.
But things took a slight turn when he asked if I would ever consider leaving my job.
After my father abandoned us, my mother had drilled into me that I must never, EVER build my life around a man. That I had to invest in my life and dreams without considering what any man wanted.
But for the first time ever, I realized what the cost of that might be.
I loved my job. I’d fought for it. I’d sacrificed for it. The idea of giving all that up…
Lars said it was good to know about me not leaving my job. He made it sound like just one more piece of information he needed to plan for the future.
I tried telling him that I would never ask him to leave his job if he didn’t want to –
But from how he reacted, I could tell he wanted me more.
More than his job…
More than anything else.
And while it was intoxicating…
It was also frightening.
To know that after years of keeping men at arm’s length, one was so close to me now that he might consider giving up everything just to have me.
It was also scary to feel the first faint stirrings of maybe, just maybe, considering doing the same for him.
In the end, he said, We don’t have to figure it out right this instant. Like you said, I’ve got three more years before I even have any options. I love you, and you love me – that’s all we need to know right now. Let’s just enjoy this week and not worry about the future, okay?
I agreed, and we went back on our walk.
Later, I told myself variations on what I’d said when I’d left Afghanistan:
That it wasn’t worth worrying about because it would probably never happen.
That Lars would lose interest over the next three years, and everything would fade away.
Except this time, I didn’t believe it.
Not one bit.