Chapter 57
57
Shortly after Gunnar got out, I went to London for another week with Rachel.
It was wonderful –
Although I still didn’t see her apartment.
And I couldn’t ask about her job.
Other than that, it was perfect…
Until the last night.
The night before I left was always the worst. We tried to put on a brave face, but both of us were dreading my departure in the morning.
To make it worse, I hadn’t deployed since Afghanistan, which meant it was getting more and more likely that I would be sent overseas for the next twelve months.
And if I got sent to a combat zone, I wouldn’t be able to visit her at all during that time.
After making love, we lay on the bed in my hotel room. I stared up at the ceiling, and she snuggled up against my body.
“How much longer?” she asked softly.
I knew exactly what she meant. “Twenty-six months and five days p>
She was quiet for a while before she asked, “Do you really want to leave the military, though p>
“So I can be with you? Of course p>
“…what if I weren’t in the picture p>
“But you are p>
“But what if I weren’t p>
I frowned. “Why are you asking that p>
“Because I want to know what you’d do if I weren’t a factor p>
I shrugged. “I’d probably stay in p>
“…do you love it p>
I thought about it before answering. “I don’t know that I love it. But I’m very good at it p>
“But you’d keep doing it… so you must love it p>
“I say it’s more like it’s part of me. I’m not addicted to it; it’s not like I chase the rush. But it’s a part of me that doesn’t come out in any other area of my life. It makes me feel alive.” I added with typical Special Forces humor, “You never feel more alive than when you might be dead in the next few seconds p>
“Stop,” she whimpered.
For someone who had a very dangerous job, she was extraordinarily sensitive to my jokes about death.
“I was kidding,” I said.
“Yes, but you were serious when you said it makes you feel alive p>
“But I also feel alive when I’m with you p>
Her voice grew bitter. “I don’t want to be a substitute for something else p>
“You’re not. Where’s this coming from?” I asked, both irritated and bewildered.
“I just… I don’t want you to leave something you want to do p>
I rolled over on my side to face her. “I want you p>
She gazed at me with pain in her eyes. “But if that means upending your entire life, and giving up something you love p>
A growing fear began to rise in my chest.
This sounded suspiciously like she was trying to back out of something.
“Do you not want to be with me?” I asked in alarm.
“NO!” she cried out. “I do! I just p>
“What p>
“…I feel guilty that you’d have to give up so much p>
I caressed her cheek with my hand. “But I’d get you in return. I’d get to have a life with you. That’s the best possible trade I could make p>
She smiled sadly but didn’t say anything.
“You could always give up your job and come to Sweden,” I said with a hint of a smile.
She knew I was trying to lighten the mood. “No, thank you,” she said archly.
“Come onnnn. I’d get you barefoot and pregnant – ”
She laughed and smacked my arm. “NO p>
“You could pop out four, five, maybe six babies – ”
She suddenly looked somber. “I’m not sure I want kids p>
I shrugged. “That’s fine p>
“You don’t want children p>
“I didn’t say that. But I want you more than anything. With kids or without, I don’t care – as long as I get to have you.” I lifted her chin and kissed her. Then I asked, “Why so glum p>
“I hate the night before you leave. When you come here, it’s like Christmas vacation. Every day is wonderful… but then the last night comes, and I know I have to face reality the next morning p>
“Twenty-six months and five days,” I said quietly.
She closed her eyes as though she were in pain. “…I know… I just wish p>
“What p>
“That I could wave a magic wand and make it go by instantly p>
“Me too, Älskling,” I murmured, using the Swedish word for darling. I pulled her close to me. “Me too p>