Chapter 80
80
Ididn’t have much time. I wanted to propose before I left for Milan, but that left me only 36 hours.
I knew I could propose to her after I returned from Italy… but part of me didn’t want to put it off any longer. I had the ring, I’d made the decision to pop the question, and I was excited to do it.
So I planned a romantic outing to St. James Park – the spot where I’d told her I loved her the first time. The plan was to take her to that exact spot, get down on one knee, and tell her I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
Then we’d go for dinner at a fancy restaurant in the middle of London –
And come back to the hotel and make love.
Things didn’t exactly go the way I’d planned.
The rain got worse Saturday afternoon. There was no way I was going to propose to her in a downpour, so I checked my weather app. Sunday was supposed to be cold but sunny, so I put it off until then. I made the dinner reservations for 6 PM and told them to have a bottle of champagne ready.
Sunday morning, Rachel told me she had to go home to do some work for the upcoming week.
“Could we go out a little bit later in the day?” I asked.
“I guess.” She sounded more like she was placating me than interested in doing anything.
“Can you be back here around 2 o’clock p>
“…sure p>
She kissed my cheek, then left for her flat, or house, or wherever the fuck it was she lived.
I was a little unsettled by how unenthusiastic she was, but I told myself it was because she had no idea what I had planned. For her, it was just a regular Sunday afternoon.
At 1:45 PM, I got the ring box out of my safe and nervously put it into my pocket. I paced back and forth, practicing what I would say to her once we got to St. James Park.
Rachel, it was right on this spot that I told you I loved you the first time… so I wanted it to be here that I told you I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you more than anything. Will you marry me?
I thought I only had ten minutes or so to practice my speech.
Turns out, I had almost 45. Rachel showed up late at 2:30 with no apology or explanation.
We had until six to get to the restaurant, so I refused to let it bother me. Instead, I ordered an Uber on my phone.
“I can drive,” she said.
“It’s okay p>
“My car’s right there – ”
“I want to use an Uber.” I didn’t want to tell her where we were going.
“…okay. Whatever p>
I still didn’t let it get to me.
We didn’t talk much on the drive over. I tried chatting her up, but she mostly replied with one-word sentences.
When we got out at St. James Park, she looked around. “Why’d we come here p>
I didn’t want to tell her it was because it was the first place I’d said I love you, so I replied, “I don’t know… we hadn’t been here in a while. I kind of wanted to come back p>
If she recognized the significance of the place, she didn’t let on. She just walked next to me, hands shoved in the pockets of her camel-hair coat…
Not holding mine.
St. James Park was mostly empty. People with good sense had stayed inside where it was warm.
Not me.
No, I was going to propose to a woman in a bad mood.
I looked at her searchingly. “What’s going on p>
“I was about to ask the same of you,” she said dourly.
“What are you talking about p>
She looked like someone who was psyching themselves up to jump into freezing cold water and didn’t want to do it –
But then she took the plunge.
“How did you get out of the military two years early?” she asked.
My frown deepened. “I told you, I took a new job. They work with the Swedish military, and – ”
“What exactly is this new job p>
I stopped in my tracks.
She stopped a few steps later and turned around to look at me.
Her expression was defiant and angry.
I could feel all my plans slowly slipping away, but I did my best to keep my voice neutral. “You know I can’t tell you that p>
“I know you told me you can’t tell me that,” she snapped.
“Rachel – ”
“Lars, I’m being serious when I say that I really need you to tell me what’s going on – because it feels shady as fuck p>
My temper got the best of me. “That’s pretty rich, considering you’ve been secretive and shady for as long as I’ve known you p>
“You knew what you were getting into when you got involved with me,” she retorted. “I, on the other hand, didn’t sign up for this p>
“Oh, you didn’t sign up for it?” I snarled.
She closed her eyes. “That’s not what I meant p>
“Look, all you need to know is that I’m doing it for us – so we can be together p>
She looked at me coldly without answering.
“What?” I demanded.
“I need you to give me a straight answer,” she said.
“About what p>
She glanced around to make sure no one was close enough to hear – and then she said, “Are you working for Russia or China p>
“WHAT p>
“Or someone else – a foreign power – ”
“NO p>
“Then who are you working for p>
I wanted to throw it back in her face by yelling, The same fucking people YOU are! –
But I knew if I did that, she could lose the job she loved so much.
So I simply said, “I can’t tell you that p>
She scowled at me in return.
I couldn’t tell her directly, but I figured I might assuage her fears if I gave her a roundabout answer.
“If I was working for Russia or China, or whatever country you think I am, how would I have gotten out of my military service early p>
“I don’t know,” she snapped. “That’s what disturbs me p>
“Well, think about it for a minute p>
She glared at me, then finally answered, “NATO. NATO could have gotten you out.” She paused. “…maybe p>
I just looked at her.
“So you’re working with NATO?” she asked crossly.
“I can neither confirm nor deny,” I said, attempting a joke.
I wasn’t working with NATO, but I hoped she might accept that as a possibility and move on.
She didn’t.
“Then why haven’t I heard about it through work?” she demanded.
“Maybe because they don’t tell you everything,” I said, letting my irritation get the best of me.
That made her even colder. “They tell me a hell of a lot more than you are right now p>
“Go ahead and report me, then,” I snapped.
I knew that Alistair would squelch any inquiries she made, so I wasn’t worried.
The fact that I was so confident threw her. She looked uncomfortable, like I was calling her bluff.
“…I will p>
“Good,” I snapped. “Maybe then you’ll stop hounding me about this p>
She just glared at me.
I shook my head in irritation. “You don’t trust me at all, do you p>
“I don’t trust anybody,” she said coldly.
That was like a punch to the gut.
For a second, I felt desperate to connect with her – and I let down my guard.
“I love you, Rachel,” I said quietly.
“And I love you, too,” she said, just as chilly as before. “But a week ago, you were a soldier in the Swedish military. Now you’re… I have no idea what the fuck you are now p>
I’d let myself be vulnerable, and she’d thrown it back in my face.
I began to get angry again.
“I’ve never known what you do – some spy shit. That was it. But you told me I couldn’t ask, so I didn’t – ”
“Yeah, but as I keep reminding you, you KNEW what you were getting into from the very beginning. You had to agree to it upfront for our relationship to go anywhere. I never signed up for you lying to me p>
“I’m not lying to you p>
“Okay, then – withholding information p>
“This is so like you,” I snarled. “YOU can do whatever you want, and I have to trust you 100 percent – but it doesn’t go both ways, does it p>
“I told you, I don’t trust anyone – ”
“YOU HAVE TO!” I shouted. Then I got ahold of myself. “At some point, if we’re going to make a life together, you HAVE to trust me p>
“Then maybe we shouldn’t,” she snapped.
I stared at her in horror. “Shouldn’t what p>
“Make a life together p>
I stood there, slightly swaying on my feet.
If her comment about not trusting anybody had been a punch to the gut, this was a knife to my heart.
I didn’t say anything for what seemed like an eternity. Neither did she.
Finally, I spoke. “Look… can we not do this right now? Can we just have a nice day together p>
“What’s one day matter?” she asked coldly. “You live here now p>
“I’ve got to go out of town tomorrow. I might be gone awhile p>
Her eyes opened wide in surprise. “How long p>
“I don’t know. Maybe three weeks p>
“Three WEEKS p>
“I don’t know. It might be one, it might be two p>
“Where are you going p>
“I can’t tell you that p>
“And I’ll bet you can’t tell me anything else, either,” she said angrily, then shook her head in disgust. “You want to ‘build a life together,’ but you won’t tell me anything about this other life you have p>
“I’m just doing what you’ve been doing all along,” I shot back. “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, right p>
“Whatever,” she said contemptuously.
We stood there in awkward silence.
I looked past her towards the spot where I had told her I loved her…
And where I’d planned to propose.
It was only 400 feet away…
But it might as well have been 4000 miles.
Everything was ruined.
“…let’s just go back to the hotel,” I said wearily.
“We’re here,” she snapped. “We might as well – ”
“Let’s just go back to the fucking hotel, please,” I snarled.
She glared at me hatefully, then walked beside me in silence as I called an Uber.
I didn’t think it was possible, but things got worse when we reached the hotel.
“I’m going to go home,” she said coldly.
“I’m leaving tomorrow morning,” I said, astonished at her attitude. “I might be gone for three weeks – ”
“I’ll see you when you get back p>
“Rachel – ”
“What do you want to do, lie around watching movies? You think we’re going to have sex? NO p>
“I just want to be near you before I leave – ”
“Well, I don’t want to be miserable, so I’m going home p>
I stood there in shock.
She looked at me uncertainly, like she was expecting me to say something more. To fight for her to stay.
When I didn’t, she said, “I hope you have a good trip… wherever it is you’re going p>
I just stared at her.
“Goodbye,” she said simply, and walked away.
I stood there a long time in the cold.
Finally, I went up to my room…
Put the engagement ring back in the safe…
And called up the restaurant and cancelled the reservation.
Then I raided the minibar in my room, got drunk, and passed out so I didn’t have to think about what might have been.