Chapter 89
0089
(Lily POV)
Tonight with James has been perfect.
It was supposed to only be a dinner between two friends, but it quickly became much more than that. Whether it was a date or not ultimately does not matter. The fact is that James put a lot of effort into
making tonight special for me, and I have had a lot of fun.
Actually… no… It goes beyond fun. I have genuinely enjoyed spending time with James. In fact, I wish I could spend more time with him. I now understand why the Moon Goddess paired us together. But for
everything else, I think we could have made each other really happy.
Unfortunately, it is the “everything else that scares me. And not just a little bit.
The fear in me is so palpable that as James and I get back into his car and head back to the resort–I
feel my brain and my emotions start to go into panic mode.
In less than 12 hours, James has managed to convince me that he has changed. He has also managed. to remind me of the wolf that he once was before everything happened. Worse, James has made my heart desperately want to see if our mate bond can be salvaged.
The problem is that while my heart is ready to dive right back in- my head is filled with nothing but.
doubts, concerns, and questions. For example:
—James actively and intentionally hurt me for six years. How can I forgive all of that in just one afternoon? The (broken) mate bond may be powerful, but surely I am smarter than to forgive him that
quickly.
–Forgiving James comes with risks… am I willing to take them?
–Forgiving James comes with complications… am willing to face them?
If I decide to try again with James, I will have to go back to West Mountain. Am I willing and ready to
do that?
-West Mountain was not safe for me In the past. Will it be safe for me in the future?
–Being with James means eventually becoming luna. Could I stomach being the future luna of a place that still worships my sister as though she was and is a saint? Would I feel comfortable sleeping next to James while large pictures of my sister adorn most walls in our home? Could I ask James to take some of them down? Would that be wrong of me to do? Would he be willing to do it?
-Would the pack be willing to accept me as their future luna? Or would they always wish that I was Stephanie instead?
-I already decided that I do not want to live in Stephanie’s shadow anymore. That shadow goes beyond just pictures and un–earned sainthood. If I accept James and go back to West Mountain, how would I prevent her shadow from continuing to haunt me?
-How would I deal with being around my mother again? Would my mother accept me as her future luna? What about my father? He told Nick that he does not think that I have what it takes to be luna. Would he grow to accept it, or would my own family be the ringleaders of a challenge against James and I being together?
What would accepting James do to my relationship with Brady? Obviously, I cannot be with Brady and James at the same time. Okay, sure, there are circumstances in which females take on two mates, but
that idea has never appealed to me. So I have to pick one of them. Or neither of them. But I cannot pick
both.
Am I willing to give up Brady for the mere chance of working things out with James? Brady has done
nothing but blindly and unconditionally support me, and he has shown me what it feels like to be wanted
and desired. He has also given me a home and a pack when I had nothing else. Am I really ready to let
someone like him go?
If I do pick James over Brady, will Dr. and Mrs. Hyder still want me in their lives? They are like the
parents that I never had, but if I hurt their oldest son, will they still want me around? =
Even if everything else can be worked out, am I too damaged to go back to James and West
Mountain? Is it simply healthier for me to move on? I do not have panic attacks like this at Brady’s pack.
Doesn’t that mean something?
Ultimately, I do not know the answers to any of these questions, and the war between my head and my
heart makes me feel like a big part of me is suffocating right now. I do not know what I want, and I do not
know what to do.
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